Guilt

Hey there!  Friday we meet again!

Today I have the pleasure of hosting my mommy-friends and their beautiful babies at my house.  I spent last night making a Greek quinoa salad, baked chocolate fudge donuts, and attempted to spruce up a bit with the bean in hand (meaning, not much got done).

As for the title, I’ll get to that in a second, but first…

I have to admit, I’m loving motherhood.

I love looking at this smiley face each and every day.

I love the joy of loving someone so much it hurts.

I love seeing my husband as a father.

I love how motherhood has relaxed my type-A tendencies.

I love experiencing the newness of every day events with my little Bean (like eating solids).

…and the list goes on and on…

One thing I didn’t anticipate, and don’t necessarily love is the “Mommy Guilt.”  You may think I’m talking about how I feel when I go to work, and perhaps I did feel this for a couple weeks, but now I realize my career/life balance is working out quite well (for my family). 

I’m talking about the ‘exercising-mommy-guilt’ and the ‘mani/pedi-mommy-guilt’ and other ‘just me’ activities.  Why should I go do indulgent things instead of spend time with my baby?  I know, I know, for sanity and I’m all for that.  Heck I *do* do that, but not without the guilt. 

It’s probably fair to say that I’m jealous of my personal trainer mommy friends who are getting paid (on some level) to get back in shape, while I have to carve a pocket of time outside of my job to do this.  It seem time is a commodity I am lacking and outside a full time job, working out to the level I’d like takes a back seat. 

Lately I’ve been doing at home videos (a la Skinnygirl) in my livingroom, while Bean sits in his bouncy chair or is snoozing, or I try to squeeze 30-45 minutes of cardio at my complex gym.  One day a week I see my trainer, leaving  Zach with Sawyer.  This PT session is actually a time I don’t feel guilty because I know it’s precious daddy/baby bonding time.  However, when I’m employing my nanny to stay late so I can work out…well it just seems wrong.  During my workout, I think about what Bean is doing.  I think about how  I could be hanging out with him before his early bedtime.  I think about how I’m paying someone to do my job when technically I’m available. 

I wasn’t sure if I was the only one feeling this way, but in talking to a few other mommies, I’m not alone.  It seems to be highest in mommies working outside the home since our time with our babies are limited, but it really is a universal feeling we all experience to varying degrees.

Perhaps if we had family nearby, I’d feel less guilty since I’d know that bean is bonding with his aunt or grandma or grandpa? {Hmm, then again I still felt guilty when Carly (my SIL) let me work out while she was here earlier this month }.

I don’t have the answers.  I just know that the mommy guilt is getting to me. 

Rationally I need to tell myself that I need to find the time to workout so that I can be a happy/sane/healthy mom, but I think it’s because I know there is some vanity-desires (to get closer to my pre-baby body) in there that somehow negates all those (true) positive items. 

So what gives? 

The guilt?  Sleep?  So that I can workout when bean is sleeping and won’t feel as guilty?  The workouts?  My sanity?

Rationally I feel like I know the answer, but emotionally, I’m torn. 

How do you prioritize self?

Any advice for me?

New mamas: get up and go!

Is it wrong that my favorite posts as of late are related to being a new mom?  It’s probably a snooze fest for some of you, but I’m just so enamored with my soybean that I want to gush about him every chance I get and also share how I’m dealing as a new mom.

Let me first say that Sawyer is an incredibly easy and happy baby:

I absolutely 100% understand that this is not the case for all babies and it has very little to do with parenting.  Some babies are just born with a calmer temperament and for some (lucky) reason, we got a lil one that is pretty chill and go with the flow. 

As a result, I have really just incorporated the soybean into my routine, which he has easily adapted too.  Sure if he needs to be fed or changed, things get switched up a bit, but I’m happy to say I still arrive 10 minutes early every where I go and am able to maintain my commitments.  Again, very lucky to have such an easy newborn. 

But even the days he is fussy, I don’t let that deter me from getting out and about.  I know that he loves being outside and around other people (voices) so I strap him in his car seat and he’s usually pacified within minutes and then will snooze peacefully for the duration of my excursion. 

What’s more is that these outings keep me sane!  I truly believe that I do not find myself exhausted, depressed, bored, cranky, overwhelmed, etc because I get out and meet up with friends, go shopping, take advantage of the outdoors, and get involved with mommy groups. 

In Sawyer’s 10 weeks we’ve done a number of things:

• Countless walks with the dog
• Several mommy/me groups at Day One in Palo Alto (followed by lunch with other mommies)
• Numerous casual meet ups with my new mom friends
• Two full day visits to downtown SF
• Daily visits to the coffee shop
• Shopping at Stanford Mall and Valley Fair
• Wine tasting in Half Moon Bay
• Trips to restaurants
• A handful of long hikes
• (Too many) trips for froyo
• Grocery shopping
• SF Zoo {going today!}

Bottom line – where I go, bean goes.  And when we’re home, he’s usually chillin’ in his Boppee or on his activity mat.  It’s a good balance of constantly being together yet having some autonomy. 

I can appreciate that this is not or cannot be the case for every new mom.  But if I could ever offer one tiny bit of advice is “get up and go.” Find those other new moms who you can easily hangout with (with no worries of crying/hungry baby).  Do things that you enjoy and see how your own little one copes – hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised that they are content just taking in the sights of whatever area you enjoy!

And with that, we are off to the zoo   Have a great Thursday!

Things are looking up

Hey there friends!  Happy  Monday to you!  I’m entering my last 6 weeks of maternity leave {sniffle} – it’s going by so fast!

I have to give a big thanks for your comments on last Thursday’s post regarding my postpartum issues.  It sounds like complications are actually fairly common, but rarely talked about.  I for one would have appreciated a bit more knowledge of what could happen.

My specialist appointment ended up getting moved to last Friday.  The diagnosis was nerve and muscle damage, but no tearing.  Therefore no surgery (at this time), thank goodness.  I’m to alter my diet a bit and do pelvic floor exercises to improve strength.  The doctor stated that it could take 6 month to a year to fully heal.  Oh dear lord  

While we were at the clinic, we stopped in the newborn club to weigh the soybean since he hadn’t been weighed since his 2 week appointment and still wasn’t up to birth weight.  Well, he has surpassed it! At 6 weeks and 2 days, he hit double digits at exactly 10 lbs.  Woot!

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was quite good, starting on Thursday afternoon when Sawyer had a play date with his buddy Preston – how cute are the?

Friday night, Zach and I ventured on our first date with the bean.  The hubby was craving sushi since has also on a hiatus during my pregnancy.  Though I only eat vegetarian sushi, I enjoy the experience.  Soybean did too (yes he knows how to use chopsticks..haha)

Saturday, Zach took the bean to the driving range (he’s starting him early!) while I got a much needed mani / pedi (as you can see from the photo above).  Ahh pure bliss. 

We had yet another dinner out Saturday night when our friends Priya and Vijay had us over for a fabulous Thaali Indian dinner.  So.Darn.Good!  My favorite was the paneer kofta and Vijay’s cardamom crème brulee.  I failed to snap pictures of the spread, though trust me it was as delish as it looked.  I did however snap a photo of how dapper the soybean looked in his cords, white button down and argyle sweater:

After a late night, Sunday morning came too soon.  But I was fortunate to start my day with a postpartum massage.  Yes yes yes!  I didn’t realize how much tension I was carrying in my shoulders from breastfeeding.  Yowsa. 

The rest of the sunny afternoon was spent on the activity mat and a long walk with Naava. 

And last but not least, the good people at Popchips sent me their new coveted sweet potato flavor – with incentive to share!

These are just as good as you’d imagine and may just boot the BBQ flavor as my new fave.  Thank you Popchips!!!

So yup, despite some less than stellar news last week, things are looking up!

In what ways are things ‘lookin’ up’ for you?