Hey there! Friday we meet again!
Today I have the pleasure of hosting my mommy-friends and their beautiful babies at my house. I spent last night making a Greek quinoa salad, baked chocolate fudge donuts, and attempted to spruce up a bit with the bean in hand (meaning, not much got done).
As for the title, I’ll get to that in a second, but first…
I have to admit, I’m loving motherhood.
I love looking at this smiley face each and every day.
I love the joy of loving someone so much it hurts.
I love seeing my husband as a father.
I love how motherhood has relaxed my type-A tendencies.
I love experiencing the newness of every day events with my little Bean (like eating solids).
…and the list goes on and on…
One thing I didn’t anticipate, and don’t necessarily love is the “Mommy Guilt.” You may think I’m talking about how I feel when I go to work, and perhaps I did feel this for a couple weeks, but now I realize my career/life balance is working out quite well (for my family).
I’m talking about the ‘exercising-mommy-guilt’ and the ‘mani/pedi-mommy-guilt’ and other ‘just me’ activities. Why should I go do indulgent things instead of spend time with my baby? I know, I know, for sanity and I’m all for that. Heck I *do* do that, but not without the guilt.
It’s probably fair to say that I’m jealous of my personal trainer mommy friends who are getting paid (on some level) to get back in shape, while I have to carve a pocket of time outside of my job to do this. It seem time is a commodity I am lacking and outside a full time job, working out to the level I’d like takes a back seat.
Lately I’ve been doing at home videos (a la Skinnygirl) in my livingroom, while Bean sits in his bouncy chair or is snoozing, or I try to squeeze 30-45 minutes of cardio at my complex gym. One day a week I see my trainer, leaving Zach with Sawyer. This PT session is actually a time I don’t feel guilty because I know it’s precious daddy/baby bonding time. However, when I’m employing my nanny to stay late so I can work out…well it just seems wrong. During my workout, I think about what Bean is doing. I think about how I could be hanging out with him before his early bedtime. I think about how I’m paying someone to do my job when technically I’m available.
I wasn’t sure if I was the only one feeling this way, but in talking to a few other mommies, I’m not alone. It seems to be highest in mommies working outside the home since our time with our babies are limited, but it really is a universal feeling we all experience to varying degrees.
Perhaps if we had family nearby, I’d feel less guilty since I’d know that bean is bonding with his aunt or grandma or grandpa? {Hmm, then again I still felt guilty when Carly (my SIL) let me work out while she was here earlier this month 
}.
I don’t have the answers. I just know that the mommy guilt is getting to me.
Rationally I need to tell myself that I need to find the time to workout so that I can be a happy/sane/healthy mom, but I think it’s because I know there is some vanity-desires (to get closer to my pre-baby body) in there that somehow negates all those (true) positive items.
So what gives?
The guilt? Sleep? So that I can workout when bean is sleeping and won’t feel as guilty? The workouts? My sanity?
Rationally I feel like I know the answer, but emotionally, I’m torn.
How do you prioritize self?
Any advice for me?
This is one of the major reasons why I know I’m probably not ready to be a mom just yet. I still feel too selfish and I know it sounds bad but I came to realize that I’m just not ready to give up those things for myself yet. I know I will be soon but for now, I’m still trying to figure out some things for myself. Thanks for being so honest girl. I think it’s entirely normal to feel this way, especially as a woman!
That’s not selfish at all! That’s being honest.
I’m not a mom, but I feel everyone needs their own “me” time. Whether you may not always realize at the time. Yes, you spend the time thinking mostly about bean, but it’s still YOUR time. Hold on to the little that you have!
Very true…even when I’m not with him, I’m thinking of him. I need to really make the most out of the time for me.
I think your feelings are completely normal – but you NEED that time for yourself. I even feel a bit guilty going to workout when I could be spending time with my husband instead… but if those activities make you happier, healthier (physically and mentally) person, then they’re also making you a better wife and mom!
<3 you girl!
Thanks for the support Claire. I tell all myself this too but feel so different in the moment. Argh!
I totally hear you on this. We’re lucky enough to have an elliptical, weights and bands at home so I’m able to squeeze in at home workouts during the week. Most times the baby is sleeping in her swing in the room or if she’s up, I’ll put her on her activity mat while I’m working out and we sing songs together and I try to keep her entertained. I think that for your own sanity you need your workouts. Maybe you can try getting in as many as you can at home/in your complex’s gym during the week and then on the weekends be gone for an hour gym session. Or can you workout once bean has gone to bed? I’m not good at late workouts, but that could be a solution. You’ll find a solution that works for you, but just know it’s normal to feel the mommy guilt about being away. Since C doesn’t take bottles well, I’m almost constantly with her. It would be nice to get away a little bit, but then I feel guilty for thinking that. Plus like you, we have zero family around us and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with a baby sitter just yet.
I know you get it Kjirsten! It’s tough being a new mommy and trying to find time to get in a simple work out. I’m like you in that I’ll squeeze in whatever I can for as long as I have free. It would be awesome if we had a gym within our home, but the complex gym works in a pinch. As for working out after bed, I know it’s an option but I have a hard time motivating myself that late at night!
look at that smile!!!
I could have written this! I’m a FT engineer and have a 4 year old and 5 month old at home with the nanny. On the 1-2 days a week I go to the gym on my way home (for a mere 30min), I feel guilty when I get home and am sweaty and it’s obvious I went to the gym. My husband doesn’t understand this. I feel guilty trying to find weekend time for my 2 hour hair highlight appt since that’s precious weekend family time. I LOVE working and don’t plan to change that, but I too have all the other mommy guilt. I do know, from past experience with my oldest, that it gets a bit better as they get older but it never goes away. I feel like I’m experiencing it all over with a new baby.
Oh no, so it doesn’t go away with baby number 2! Yikes! It’s definitely difficult having a job outside of the home and still carving out that very important ‘me time’ — I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for sharing Krista!
I too could have written this!!! I feel the exact same way and am also ashamed when I pick Ben up from daycare all sweatty in gym clothes! Like I’ve chosen to let my baby languish in daycare an extra 30 min that day while I selfishly went to the gym to tighten up my flabby abs!!!! I wish I had a solution!!! Sometimes i think its about keeping things in perspective. Will Ben really resent me for those extra 30 minutes spent in daycare?? Versus how will I feel about myself if I let myself get out of shape and lose my identity. I love my son more than anything on the planet and I keep reminding myself that being a good mom doesn’t mean giving up everything. Sadly, i know these things at a cognitive level but I think the mommy guilt will always be there!!!!
It’s so crazy that we feel ashamed and/or guilty for working out! Why does that feel like such an indulgence when it should be as commonplace as eating, breathing, sleeping? Gah!
I think if we keep telling ourselves that we will be better / saner mommies because of our ‘me time,’ we may just believe it
I’m not a mom, but I think taking personal time is really important. You have needs, after all (you’re not Jesus — 27 Dressed reference, anyone? lol) and just because you have become a mother doesn’t mean that you should ignore the things that you need/want to do for yourself. As long as it doesn’t interfere with you taking care of your son (which I’m sure it wouldn’t) I think taking time for yourself is perfectly fine.
Love that you dropped a movie quote in there..too funny
And nope, I can’t say that bean is suffering from my workout sessions…at least I certainly hope not!
Ugh girl, I struggle with this too. Bottom line, though: exercise helps your physical and mental health. A healthy mommy is a happy mommy. You can’t have a happy baby without a happy mama <3
Yes yes yes…happy mama –> happy baby
(sort of like, happy wife –> happy life..haha)
Obviously I am not a mother YET (soon to be though any day now) but I’d agree—healthy mommy is a happy mommy!
Whenever I’m working out after work and not getting home till 7 PM, I wonder what I would do if I was older and had kids at home. I don’t have the answer obviously, but I totally understand what’s going through your head. I’m sure you will find a balance in time and find a schedule that fits your needs as well as Bean’s.
Thanks Lauren — and some day so will you!
I will be in your shoes in the very near future. I’m eager to read all of these responses. I am a gym girl so I hope I don’t feel too guilty about getting back.
I hope you find a good balance Mindy — so excited for your little one to arrive!
When I read this, it was as if I was writing it myself. I just had twin girls 3 months ago and I know I need to workout so I can be a healthy mommy and wife but I just rush through my workouts thinking of my princesses at home. Good luck with little bean. If you find a good solution to the guilt, please write about it. I would love to hear how it may get easier.
My little one is six weeks old, so I am just getting cleared to work out. I started talking to the hubby about when that is going to be, probably when he is home. Right now we just do stroller walks.. But last week we went to the movies and my parents watched her. I felt bad while we were gone. Who leaves there child at five weeks old to go on a date? Who would want to leave them?! I felt totally guilty.
After talking to my mom, she basically said the same thing. I need me time and mommy/daddy need we time. We need to be a happy couple and put our marriage a priority or it’ll cause problems. We have to be a priority or we won’t be happy, healthy, etc and we won’t be as good for the baby. If that makes any sense..
Let me know when you have the answer