Hello friends, how goes it?
I’m having a heck of a week – lots of ups and downs, not all of which I’ll go into.
Last week I shared with you a recap of my 2nd Trimester along with some photos. A reader (and friend) messaged me personally to share some perceptions on my post. And I wanted to talk a bit about them.
A few times in my recaps, I have talked about weight gain and my looks. I’ve noted my face looks chubby or I feel fat. And let me emphasize, this is how am *feeling*, not “am”. I know I am not fat. I’m pregnant for goodness sake! I’m supposed to gain weight and I get that.
As you may have read in previous blog posts, I have had my own issues with weight (Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3), but I would not say I’ve had an eating disorders. Disordered eating, perhaps. And certainly some body dysmoprhia too.
So when I look in the mirror, I see my beautiful bulging pregnant belly, but I also see fuller cheeks, limp hair, new fat on my upper arms, widening thighs. And it’s very, very hard to not hone in them.
I feel this way in large part because of my own insecurities. And then I also let outside ‘pressure’ get the best of me.
For instance, upon finding out I was pregnant, many people said, “Oh you are going to be so tiny and cute because you’re so small now.” Well that’s nice and all, but if what I ballooned? Would I still be cute? (Does it matter?)
Or people would feel it necessary to tell me that they only gained 10 lbs during their pregnancy. Um, cool? Good for you? Unless you are obese, 10 lbs is NOT enough weight to gain. Just check out what the weight breakdown is. And why didn’t your doctor encourage you to gain more?
And all the way up until about a couple weeks ago, people *still* didn’t know I was pregnant. They had no idea or were in shock when I told them I was 6.5 months preggers.
I translated this all into a level of self-inflicted pressure to stay fit, thin, cute, tiny, etc.
And now the growth is more evident and people are saying, whoa, you have a belly! And it’s like somehow I did something wrong. Silly, no? And because I have a short torso, lil Sawyer has nowhere to go but out, so the belly is just going to get bigger people!
Pregnancy has highlighted some of my old insecurities and also raised my sensitivity level to comments. Perhaps this is why people don’t love to have their belly commented on – too big, too small, blah, blah, blah. How about just right?
So why am I even clarifying? Well I don’t want anyone to think that I’m trying to solicit kind comments telling me I’m not fat. And by no means do I judge others the way I judge myself. I see other preggers women, who may have gained more weight than me, as gorgeous, glowing, womanly, happy. I’m just having a hard time finding that in myself.
But I’m working on it And I know, I’m not fat, I’m pregnant!
Is there anything that you are particularly sensitive about?
What mantras do you have for boosting the ol’ self-esteem?